I know it’s not a matter of whether or not it’s fair, but I can’t help my angry, jealous thoughts. Rationally I know that different people are healthy at different weights. But when I see another girl my size or tinier, who isn’t being told to gain weight, or sent to an eating disorder clinic, all the crazy parts of my brain kick in.
Obviously I know that not everyone who is extremely thin has an eating disorder. Plenty of people are just “blessed” with that body type. But why can’t I be?
Honestly I’m not sure what my natural body type is, or will be, since I’ve been restricting and preventing weight gain for my entire adult life, and long before it. My body hasn’t had a chance to grow into its healthy form; it’s been forced to stay underweight for the past ten years. But why is it such a struggle for my body to stay thin, while other girls have stayed so tiny while not worrying about food and calories and weight?
I’m so afraid that my body isn’t meant to be thin. What if in order to be considered “healthy” in recovery I’m kind of bigger than normal? Even normal, as opposed to skinny, sounds terrifying to me.
It’s all so frustrating. Recovery is HARD.
I want to get better, but I want to stay skinny. I want to be able to gain weight and learn to love my grown-up, lovely, womanly body, but gaining even a pound sends me into a downward spiral of crazy negative thoughts.
Does it get easier? How do you just learn to accept yourself, and let go of all of the weight worries?
I need some help with this.