I don’t know how to answer the question “how are you?” anymore.
I’m always caught off guard – is it the obligatory question to which the only acceptable response is “fine, thanks! How about you?”? Or is it the deeper, much harder to answer “how’s your eating disorder?” type question? I always kind of freeze, wondering if they know, and if they care.
I probably shouldn’t overthink it so much. Most people really don’t care about the answer when they ask someone how they are. It’s just the typical greeting, a lot of the time. But even when I’m asked specifically about how therapy is going, or if I think it’s helping, I have no idea how to answer. Because honestly, I don’t know how it’s going.
Depending on the day, my answer could be on either end of the spectrum. Some days I feel great, ready to take on the world, even if that involves a big piece of chocolate cake. Other days, I want to stay in bed all day, just to avoid having to deal with any of the stress and decisions that go along with food. Some days I’m proud of how far I’ve come, and others I feel like I’m still stuck in the depths of my eating disorder.
It’s rough. I know recovery isn’t a straight line, from disorder to perfect health, but the ups and downs are exhausting. I’d like to be able to answer the “how are you?” question, in any context, with “good!” and mean it, and mean it the next day too, regardless of what food I’ve eaten.
I guess I just have to keep in mind that I am making a lot of progress, and that really is GOOD. Focus on the positives. Don’t overthink my answers or my thoughts.
I don’t know really. Most of this blog is just jumbly thoughts, so I’m sorry that I haven’t thought things out as well before writing as I have with other posts. But it’s just a thing I’m thinking about.