One of my therapists told me yesterday she knows I’ll beat this because I’m so frigging stubborn.
I think she meant it jokingly, and I laughed, but I’d kind of like to think it’s true. I know I’m stubborn, I always have been. I’ve never been good at accepting that I’m wrong, or that I’m not good at something, and I love to prove people wrong and surpass their expectations. Sometimes my stubbornness can be seen as a bad thing, but in pursuit of recovery I’m embracing it, full-force.
I think after ten years of being led by Ed’s rules and carefully tiptoeing through life trying to keep him happy, I’m finally, truly DONE. Even the past few months since I started seeing therapists/doctors/dietitians to get better, I’ve been somewhat hesitant and wavering in my decision to change my life.
As I get further into the recovery process, and spend more time thinking about everything, the list of things Ed has stolen from me gets longer and longer. I honestly thought I was living a full, happy, normal life for all those years with Ed. I’m realizing now how much I’ve been missing out on and denying myself, all because of my eating disorder. All the little things I thought I was fine without built up to be a huge thing that Ed’s taken from me – my life. And I refuse to give him that power any longer.
I think in recovery you really need to learn to hate Ed. When I was stuck so deeply within my eating disorder, Ed was like a safety zone, or my best friend – always there for me to rely on when no one else was. But as I put more distance between myself and it, I’m recognizing what an awful, lying, damaging frenemy Ed really is. And I HATE him for it. But I’m finding that it’s easier to disobey Ed’s rules when you hate him. Every big healthy meal I eat at meal support, every fear food I conquer, is a great big FUCK YOU to Ed.
If for no reason other than stubbornness, I’m going to beat this. But there are so many reasons besides that to get better. Every day is a struggle, but I’ll win this fight. I’ve always been stubborn as hell, and I don’t intend to change that now!