This isn’t so much an actual blog post as it is a Motivation/Reasons to Recover list. It’s definitely not my first time making one, but I think the process of typing out my thoughts and reminding myself helps to make it a bit more solid in my mind. Some reasons are specific to me and my life, and others are recovery in general. I know there are infinite other health benefits, but in this list I’m kind of focusing on the more fun ones. Feel free to comment with more! (I’ve really enjoyed and appreciated previous comments from readers – thank you so much for the love and kind words!)
1. FREEDOM/less stress/normality! Right now this is still kind of a foreign concept, but I really, really look forward to the day I can eat what I want, when I want, and to not have any thoughts about the nutritional content. Even on days now when I allow myself to eat “scary” foods, I’m still terribly aware of exactly what is going into my body. I want the freedom of just eating without all the overthinking, of going out for dinner and being able to concentrate on something other than what I can order. I want to take all the brain energy that’s been wasted on food, and use it on things that matter.
2. Warmth. What’s it like to not be cold, all the time? Seriously, I am tired of always wearing layers and layers and still being cold, while others are overheated. It’s winter/freezing about 75% of the time where I live – I really need a bitta protection on my bones against the cold!
3. Boobs. And a bum. And curves. A body that doesn’t look like it belongs to a pre-pubescent girl, really.
4. Travel. Or worry-free travel, I guess. I’ve traveled a lot even with my eating disorder, but there’s always added stress to it. I worry about what foreign foods are safe, and my parents worry about if my health and my food choices are going to be alright while I’m on the other side of the world. Without ED, I’m sure my parents would be a lot more comfortable with me taking off to Asia by myself for a month. (Or as comfortable as they can be, they’re always gonna be wary of Bangkok.)
5. Running. My mom’s been running for a few years now, and people keep asking why I can’t keep up with my fifty-odd year old mother. I try to laugh it off, or say I’m too lazy, but I feel crappy. I’d really like to be able to run with her, but Mom won’t take me out to “train” until I’ve gained some weight and am healthy enough. Which I understand; this really isn’t the primo time to be starting such a thing. I need to fight and earn the privilege of running.
6. School! Again, not that my eating disorder has stopped me from going to university in the past, but at this point it is holding me back, especially in the field I want to pursue. I’m planning on studying biochem and getting a Nutrition degree, but if I’m all wrapped up in eating-disordered thoughts, that’s a risky plan. Not to mention what a shitty attention span ED makes me have at times.
7. Peace. In my brain, in my body, in my house. My mind has been a battleground for the past decade, with a constant commentary from ED. My body has been hated and criticized so fiercely, it deserves to be loved and appreciated. My house has been so full of tension and secrecy, all because of my eating disorder. All those places are supposed to be safe zones. They’re shifting back to the peaceful states they’re meant to be, and with recovery things will get even better.
8. Treats! I’ve been missing out. Good lord, I didn’t even know how much I’ve been missing out. Recovery means allowing myself to eat allllll the yummy foods, and that’s definitely motivation for me.
9. Happiness! Eating disorders and depression are linked, I’m sure of it. Life is so frigging amazing, and I’ve spent too much of it sad and stressed and focused on things that don’t matter. Once I beat this, there are happier days ahead, for sure. ❤ 🙂