Recovery is hard enough without feeling like you have expectations to live up to.
I eased up on myself for not being as far along as I’d like to be in recovery, and now it feels like others are judging me for it. As hard as I’m trying, and as many ways as I’ve been challenging Ed, I feel like it’s not enough. It’s a really, really discouraging feeling to be pushing myself and stressing myself out constantly, and then being asked why I’m not doing more.
Outwardly, maybe some things do seem worse. I’m a lot more open about what things make me anxious and stressed now, but I feel like that’s a sign of progress. Before, I’d keep quiet about whatever food stress was going on, and just be a bitch to everyone around me. Now, I’m getting better at trying to deal with the actual problem, and not taking it out on others. Unfortunately, my family doesn’t seem to understand that, and I know they just think I’m getting worse.
I know a lot of my fear foods don’t make sense, but that doesn’t mean they don’t stress me out! And even if I’m not visibly stressed, or if I’m eating something you’d never expect me to stress over, that doesn’t mean I’m okay with it! Sorry if it doesn’t seem to you like I’m trying, but I’m so far out of my comfort zone I forget what comfortable feels like.
I’m sorry I haven’t gained weight. I’m sorry I can’t just eat the homemade cookies I baked earlier today. I’m sorry that I can’t just flip a switch and be better so we can move past all this.
I’m so, so tired of this. I knew recovery would be hard, and I’m by no means giving up, but I’m exhausted.