I feel like I’ve had the same New Year’s Resolution over and over and over – this will be the year I get healthy.
I know it’s been an issue for a lot longer than that, but for the past two years especially, my eating disorder has been an obvious problem around the holidays. Two years ago, I can remember going shopping with mom for a dress to wear to a New Years Eve party. After a comment on how tiny I was, I gave up looking and ended up wearing the least revealing dress I already owned, not wanting anyone else to notice how much my bones stuck out. Last year, I was living on my own and eating the least I could get away with, and I was well-aware of how bad I’d gotten. The idea of staying at my parents’ house over Christmas and having to eat with them for those few days was terrifying.
Both years, I “decided” that I’d had enough of this crap, and that I’d finally break the bad habits and get healthier in the new year. Of course, nothing ever changed. They were empty, pretend resolutions that I didn’t even make an effort to achieve.
Finally, this year I am getting better and healthier, although it’s not because of any New Year’s resolutions, In April I kind of had a harsh coming-to-terms with reality, and started the long, struggle-filled journey of recovery. Who says life changes have to begin in January?
I’ve come a long way since then. I’ve still got plenty left to work on, but I’m proud of what I’ve done.
It’s weird almost, to be headed into the new year without a huge plan to change. Instead I want to continue with the changes I’ve made, and just keep getting better, healthier, happier. For the first time, “getting healthier” is a plausible goal, and I’m already on the way there. I feel a lot more positive and capable about that goal this year, and about life in general.
I think I started this post intending for it to be a “year in review” type thing, but I feel like it’s more about gratefulness. Whether or not I fully wanted to start the whole recovery process, I couldn’t be happier that I gave it a chance. The progress that I’ve made over the past year feel amazing, and I feel so proud of myself for making the changes I have, and so thankful that my parents pushed me to make them. Recovery has been a daily struggle, but so was living fully in an eating disorder. This struggle, at least, is worth it, and is leading to amazing things, and I don’t regret the decision for it for a second. Life is starting to feel more and more worth living, and I know it’ll just get better.
“I am so grateful for my troubles. As I reflect back on my life, I have come to realize that my greatest triumphs have been born of my greatest troubles.”