I LOVE how whenever treats come into the office, they end up on my desk!
Just kidding. Right now there are two bags of Hershey Kisses, a variety box of Christmas biscuits, and the normal candy dish of assorted goodies, all staring me down, all day.
It’s not so much that their presence stresses me out, or that I’m tempted all day to gorge myself. It’s more of a frustration, and a constant reminder that I’m not normal about foods, and that somehow those treats have power over me. I hate my brain (or my eating disorder, more like) for how much over-thinking and obsessing that those foods cause me, simply by being there.
One of my coworkers ate about twelve Hershey Kisses yesterday. (Why do I know that? Why do I have to notice what others eat, as well as my own intake?!) Almost every time she’d pass by my desk she’d grab a chocolate and pop it into her mouth, no big deal. It’s not even like this is unusual for her; whatever treats we happen to have around, she eats them constantly. And (whoa, the miracle of metabolism!) she’s not an ever-expanding, obese monster!
Meanwhile, my brain remains convinced that just one Kiss might have the power to turn me into a huge beluga whale. Somehow I’m still paranoid that my body doesn’t react to food the way it should, and I’m just not meant to have treats like everyone else. BUT I KNOW THE DIFFERENCE. That’s why it’s so frustrating. I know how metabolism and food and bodies work; I’m planning on going to school next year and studying nutrition, for god’s sake! So why can I not get it through my head that all of that applies to me, too?
Sometimes I can challenge that irrational thinking, and treat myself with a fear food, and I’m getting better with it. Nothing awful has happened because of those treats, and I haven’t exploded or anything yet. But the amount of thinking that that involves is still exhausting at times. Yesterday, after much consideration, I took a single Candy Cane Hershey’s Kiss and put it in my purse, just in case I decided I could handle it later. Yesterday wasn’t a bravery day though. Maybe later?
This is just one of the kinds of situations where my brain knows one thing, but my ED convinces me of another. The fact that I can see how messed up that is makes it even worse. Woooo, ED logic! I hate this.