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that different, weird, wonderful feel~

It’s a different, weird, but wonderful feeling to leave a doctor’s appointment and feel really, really good about yourself.

Usually I leave the doctor/dietitian/therapist’s office feeling kind of dodgy, kind of guilty, kind of like I know I could have done better.  Even after a good appointment, I usually have a vague sense that I’m frustrating my doctors.  But today, my doctor was all smiles, and told me she was proud of me, and that was an altogether much lovelier experience.

After a month (or two months, really, including my time away in Asia) away from therapy, some stressful events at home, and a week traipsing all over New York City, I was incredibly nervous for my checkup this morning.  I thought I was doing well, but still, these appointments make me anxious.  Not knowing whether my weight had gone up, down, or stayed the same makes me even more anxious, because I know that’s one of my doctor’s main concerns right now.

So it was a huge relief when my doctor checked my weight, looked at my chart, and with a big grin and a thumbs-up, said “Good. Good!!”.  (It was also a prompt for more anxiety, because good = weight gain = panic, but I’m trying to ignore that side of my brain right now.)  We talked a bit more about how things have been going, and overall she seems very pleased with me.

This is new, and I like it.  There’s a tiny bit of me that is terrified right now, because gaining weight and beating out Ed just feels like I’m doing something wrong.  But I know this is good, and I know it’s getting me closer to true recovery.  Bit by bit, I’m getting there!

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4 thoughts on “that different, weird, wonderful feel~

  1. Great post. I think in the case of eating disorder recovery, fear is natural. We need to confront what makes us uncomfortable in order to ever feel better about ourselves. Like you say, the key is realizing what are fleeting emotions (like “I don’t deserve that” or “I’m doing something wrong”) and what are actual thoughts (like “I do deserve to recover” and “I am doing what is best for me”). It’s something I’m still working on too, but every step is step in the right direction.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I did not know that this existed! on my phone, which I usually go on WordPress on, it would not let me follow you! I am so glad I decided to log on on the computer so I could follow you!!!! Haha I feel like it is Christmas morning or something!

    Like

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