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face your fears

16877957240_c37e2c0888_o I feel like I’ve been latching on to positive, encouraging, “don’t give up” quotes lately, and today’s Quote of the Day felt like a very important reminder.  “Find what you’re afraid of most and go live there.”  You know what I’m afraid of, despite wanting it so badly?  Recovery. Recovery is scary.  Recovery is uncomfortable.  Recovery is challenging every rule and belief and unhealthy habit that I’ve clung to for the past ten(+) years. But it is also necessary.  And at times, wonderful.  When I can celebrate my dad’s birthday with him with cake, when I have a relaxed night out with my “famjam ladies”, when I go to my doctor and she tells me she’s proud of me – that’s when recovery feels amazing. Maybe I make too big of a deal out of those tiny recovery wins.  Or maybe I need to keep making those “tiny” things stand out in my mind, just to remind myself it is all worth it.  Without those bright spots, this recovery struggle would be pretty bleak. Things are getting less scary though, as time goes on and I keep making the choices that make me Ed uncomfortable.  Comparing now to a year ago, or even a few months ago, I’m proud of how far I’ve come.  And it’s only because of the hard, scary, uncomfortable stuff that I’ve made this progress.  A fully-recovered life is out there, but there’s a whole lot more of that scary struggle between here and there. So?  Find what you’re most afraid of and go live there.  Keep making the scary food choices, keep going outside your comfort zone.  It’s only by doing those things that this eating disorder is ever going to go away. I got this. Ed’s the one who should be really scared, not me.

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