Whoooops, it’s been a while. A combination of doing well, being stressed, and lacking inspiration is to blame for my neglecting this blog; I should really get back into the writing mode.
How can I say I’m doing well, but also stressed? I feel like eating-disorder-wise, I’ve been pretty good lately. There’s still anxiety about certain foods/situations, but I’m pushing myself daily, and a whole lot of foods have lost the “fear food” title. In terms of life though, it’s been rough.
I’ve read a lot about how when people start to recover, they feel overwhelmed with the emotions that flood in after being numb for so long. I can only assume that’s what I’m going through, because there’s no legitimate reason I should be so sad and stressed all the time. Maybe without the focus on food taking up 96% of my brain, all the other things going on finally feel real to me.
Whether there’s that “logic” behind it or not, this depression/anxiety thing is incredibly frustrating. Most days, just getting to the end of the day without tears, and presenting myself as a reasonably happy person, is exhausting. Trying to ignore all the bad feelings is hard. The voices in my head that tell me I’m awful, I’m not good enough, I don’t deserve to be happy are just so persistent.
And then, out of the blue, I’ll have a happy, carefree day, and criticize myself for ever getting into such a bad funk. *Sigh.*
I’m hoping this is a temporary thing. I’m hoping it’ll all get easier soon – eating, thinking, life. I’m just so tired of always feeling a bit mentally unstable. Am I ever going to be just normal and happy and healthy? What’s it like to not have constant negativity and overanalyzing and anxiety going on in your head?