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self love in 2016

I posted this on my instagram, but I feel it belongs here as well.

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new year’s honesty post: I may talk a big talk about positivity and self love and all that stuff, but in actual fact I’m fucking awful at it. I’ve been struggling, hard. I’ve been beating myself up about all my failures, and forgetting how far I’ve come in this past year. but really? life doesn’t just hand you wonderful things, and if recovery were easy people wouldn’t struggle for years with eating disorders. with everything, you’ve got to fight for what you want in life, and accept that you’re gonna mess up once in a while. you don’t have to be perfect, no one is. just do the best you can. so, here’s to starting 2016 with a better attitude and a lil self compassion. 💕 happy new years bys, don’t forget to be nice to and love yo’self this year

To add to that, I’m setting a few goals for 2016:

  • be healthy enough to train for and run the Tely10 Roadrace with mom in July
  • be more social, by which I mean seeing friends and leaving the house at least once a week
  • travel, somewhere, anywhere, at least once this year
  • be solid enough in recovery by December 2016 that I don’t need monthly checkups
  • have some kind of plans/be thinking about moving out in 2017 ?

I’m not so good at goals, but I need something to work towards; I’ve begun to feel useless and totally unmotivated lately.  I think I can handle those things.  Hereby giving myself a kick in the ass to step my game up, I’m going to make 2016 goooood.

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dating, vulnerability, and ed

Dating is always kind of messy and confusing.  Dating while you’re trying to recover from an eating disorder is a whole other pile of anxieties.

Sure, I’ve had boyfriends before, that’s not a new thing.  And since Ed’s been an issue since age twelve, that’s not new either.  But being honest about things sure is.  In the past, it’d always be part of my past – I used to have an eating disorder, I’m over it now, I’m just a picky eater, etc etc.  I denied having a problem all those years, so hiding it from teenage boys wasn’t too hard either.  Now that Ed’s been called out, and I’m fighting him, it’s not such an easy thing to hide.  Recovery is a daily struggle for me, and it’s something I really need to be honest, with myself and others, about.

And that’s where all the new anxieties come in.  On top of all the other things to worry about, now there’s the worry of whether my “issues” are too much for someone else to deal with, or if I’ll be written off as a crazy girl.

Not to complain; the guy I’m currently dating is wonderful.  He treats me better than anyone I’ve dated before, I’m really starting to like him, and I feel pretty comfortable around him.  He knows the basics of my ED situation, and I’m sure if I told him more he’d be supportive and understanding.

But still.

How understanding can I really expect someone to be?  Even for starters, how can I explain that I call my eating disorder Ed in order to distinguish myself from it?  To me, or anyone else recovering, or someone who knows this stuff, it makes sense.  But to someone on the outside, doesn’t that seem a little crazy?

And the silly things Ed makes me upset over, how do I explain that?  I still have days where food worries override all legitimate life issues.  I still have foods that make my heart rate speed up with anxiety.  There are still a lot of things that, depending on the day, could set me (Ed) off and cause a little freakout.  Should I let him know when I’m struggling and having a bad day, or hide my problems and only show him the happy, normal part of me? I’m left with the option of trying to explain, and potentially looking like a crazy person, or making excuses and avoiding the issue.

I don’t want to be avoid-y and run away from this when it gets tricky; that’d be letting Ed win.  But opening up to someone and letting myself be that vulnerable is terrifying.  I’m really afraid I’ll scare away a really lovely boy by letting him into my crazy mind, but I’m also afraid that if I close myself off he’ll get frustrated and still run off.

When I’m honest with myself, I know that being open and honest about this is the best choice.  If it’s too much for someone, it’s just not meant to be.  Recovery is a much bigger priority in my life than any boy right now.

So, I guess, here’s to honesty, vulnerability, and – hopefully – happy times.

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