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This is hard.

Recovery is hard enough without feeling like you have expectations to live up to.

I eased up on myself for not being as far along as I’d like to be in recovery, and now it feels like others are judging me for it.  As hard as I’m trying, and as many ways as I’ve been challenging Ed, I feel like it’s not enough.  It’s a really, really discouraging feeling to be pushing myself and stressing myself out constantly, and then being asked why I’m not doing more.

Outwardly, maybe some things do seem worse.  I’m a lot more open about what things make me anxious and stressed now, but I feel like that’s a sign of progress.  Before, I’d keep quiet about whatever food stress was going on, and just be a bitch to everyone around me.  Now, I’m getting better at trying to deal with the actual problem, and not taking it out on others.  Unfortunately, my family doesn’t seem to understand that, and I know they just think I’m getting worse.

I know a lot of my fear foods don’t make sense, but that doesn’t mean they don’t stress me out!  And even if I’m not visibly stressed, or if I’m eating something you’d never expect me to stress over, that doesn’t mean I’m okay with it!  Sorry if it doesn’t seem to you like I’m trying, but I’m so far out of my comfort zone I forget what comfortable feels like.

I’m sorry I haven’t gained weight.  I’m sorry I can’t just eat the homemade cookies I baked earlier today.  I’m sorry that I can’t just flip a switch and be better so we can move past all this.

I’m so, so tired of this.  I knew recovery would be hard, and I’m by no means giving up, but I’m exhausted.

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12 thoughts on “This is hard.”

  1. I know it’s hard to see it from where you’re standing right now, but I can see how much fight you have in you and that’s what counts. Other people “knowing” Ed is difficult doesn’t mean they understand the full struggle you’re going through. There is an end to it – keep fighting!

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  2. I don’t ask this to be judgmental at all, but have you been skipping a lot of meals or overexercising? Just wondering about the not gaining weight part because you’ve been in recovery for a bit now, as far as I understand from your blog? I’m sure you’ve probably heard this before, but the weight gain is crucial to changing the way you think! I didn’t believe anyone who told me this, but I did become better able to address my ED and everything else once I could think clearly. My mind wasn’t in as deep of a hopeless hole once I starting gaining. Glad you’re not giving up. Stay strong XX

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    • emvardz says:

      I’ve literally never skipped a meal, even in the worst of my eating disorder, and I hardly exercise. My dietitian said my metabolism is in overdrive right now, so I guess it’s a combination of that and my fear of pushing myself that extra bit I need to in order to start gaining. It’s just frustrating to feel like I’m trying so hard, and not getting anything out of it.

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      • Well that’s awesome that skipping has never been a problem for you! Your metabolism really must be in crazy overdrive. Has you dietician suggested increases? You can do it! Keep pushing a little more each day-my dietician always tells me that I should feel a little uncomfortable when we make changes.

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  5. Here’s the thing about recovery: it is yours and yours alone. YOU are recovering from YOUR eating disorder on YOUR own time, not anyone else’s. It doesn’t matter what other people think because in the end as long as you keep fighting you will get there. You don’t have to have gained x amount of weight or be able to eat all of your fear foods yet. Be patient with yourself especially as others aren’t. You’re going to beat the ED but it takes time. ❤

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    • emvardz says:

      thank you so much for this! i think you’re right; i need to worry a little bit less about how well others think i’m doing, and focus on doing what i need to do to get better.

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  6. “I know a lot of my fear foods don’t make sense, but that doesn’t mean they don’t stress me out! And even if I’m not visibly stressed, or if I’m eating something you’d never expect me to stress over, that doesn’t mean I’m okay with it!”

    This sums up recovery so well! Even though slip-ups happen, it still shows recovery with the fact that you recognize these thoughts. You aren’t allowing ED to hide from you anymore. You realize when it’s ED talking, and even though you might not be able to win the battle every time, you are going to make it out on top in the end.

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